The therapeutic relationship is a very complex relationship that requires that we become more aware of the dynamics of relating to each other. One of the ways is by studying and learning about the Drama Triangle.
It is really the underlying dynamic in most relationships but because of the power differential that occurs in the therapeutic relationship, the drama triangle can be more evident in a client/massage therapist relationship. There are three positions of the drama triangle -the rescuer, the victim and the persecutor. There is usually a combination of them at work in a therapeutic relationship or any relationship for that matter. One position leads to the next. The rescuer can become the persecutor or victim and any combination of roles.
As massage therapists we are often taught to ‘fix’ a clients pain and injuries. Many massage therapists come to the profession wanting to ‘help’ others. Clients come to us looking to be fixed and taken care of. One of the roles on the drams triangle is the rescuer. We think we need to get the client out of pain.
People who are in pain or sick or injured quickly take on the role of the victim -wanting someone to fix the condition for them. This is the basis for modern medicine. Needing to be fixed they will find a rescuer to help them. As massage therapists we often take on the role of rescuer but we can also move into any of the other roles with clients and also within ourselves. Becoming aware of how we rescue (help, fix) is not an easy process. It doesn’t just stop overnight. When the process occurs internally taking on various roles at different times, it is usually can lead to feeling stuck in building a practice or finding a massage job. We blame the economy or bad spa owners for our lack of success.
Rescuers need to rescue to feel good about themselves. They need victims to be successful. A rescuer thinks everyone needs their help even those who are not directly asking for it. Rescuers don’t know how to take care of themselves so they focus on others. Rescuers usually have deep unconscious beliefs about themselves that they are not good enough so they rescue to feel good about themselves. Rescuers see others pain so clearly because they are filled with pain of their own. It easier to help others with their pain instead of addressing their own pain. Rescuers are not usually aware of their own pain or even think that they have any issues to work through. They are so busy helping they can’t see their own pain. They say things like “I just want to fix this psoas” or “if only I knew more anatomy, I could fix this”. It is a very unconscious process meaning that most are not even aware of the dynamics and their own part in each interaction. Rescuing others tells the other person that they are not good enough or smart enough to help themselves. Rescuers often end up undermining others and reinforcing the victim stance. It is hurting more than helping. Rachel Remen MD explains this beautifully in her article “In the Service of Life”.
The early child/parent relationship sets us up for the drama triangle with parents often taking on the role of rescuer. The child isn’t old enough, smart enough and needs to be protected from the world. When are early childhood needs aren’t met ( which they rarely are ever totally met even with the best of parenting) we often are left waiting to be rescued. We fear asking for help because we may be further abandoned and hurt. We begin helping others so that they will become dependent on us and not leave us.
The thing is that every person has within themselves the power to find the answers to their health problems, business building problems or whatever they are faced with. You and you alone are your best source of advice if you can only begin to access your true self and listen to yourself. As a massage therapist our role is to be present for others as they uncover their own answers and true self. The thing is that you have to know your own self first before you can do this with a client.
People don’t even become aware of their rescuing habits until it becomes too painful to bear anymore. This is usually when a career in massage comes to an end but it doesn’t have to end if one can find the courage to begin to get off of the triangle.
The way off of the triangle is to start learning to feel the pain of abandonment and/or the pain of not getting one’s early needs met. It means learning to take care of yourself in every aspect of your life from being financially sound, healthy, eating the right things, exercising and taking car of your internal needs for acceptance, love, appreciation and recognition. It is about becoming more aware of what you are feeling when a client arrives at your door wanting to be fixed. Staying present with the feeling means that you can have the feeling and not act on it but use it to become aware of what you are thinking or what belief you have about yourself that is creating this need to rescue.
On one side, Julie, your idea of peer-supervision is great, and yes, well needed. But reading the link to yesterdays post about peer-supervision, your offer of it as a service makes me laugh in a way. (not at you, of course).
For about two years now, I’ve seen you talk up the SBI! system. You’ve shown all the benefits, and explained your results rather well. Yet from what I can see, only a handful have taken your advice.. There are still many MT’s out there trying to struggle through a massage practice without having a website (SBI! or other). We’ve both heard the objections. “$299 is too expensive.”
While I never thought SBI! was too expensive, I knew it was a little more than one of the “free” hosting systems. Regardless, your advice about SBI! was good (as always) and I’m glad I took it. But yet there are so many who still have not.
I could be wrong (and hope I am), but I just don’t see MT’s as willing to pay for some peer supervision even when they are completely sucking eggs at their practice.
We, as MTs, are a parsimonious bunch, with our many issues of money. I’m skeptical MT’s will be willing to dish out the dough for advice. I hope you’ll have some takers. I’m sure your mentoring will be of great value for whomever takes you up on it.
Yes – just like Site Build it!, peer supervision isn’t for everyone. It is only for people who are committed in succeeding and are willing to pay for what they need to do so.
The other difficult part I think is getting people to understand what it is -both the SBI! and peer supervision! But I like to write and it keeps making me money. As part of my ongoing participation in peer supervision, I decided I don’t want to keep giving my time away so on with peer supervision.
I actually think peer supervision is best for people who have already survived the first five years of being in practice because most are just so focused on other things like building a practice and don’t realize that things like sbi and peer supervision are the things they really need to jumpstart those exact things!
Thanks Sean
Julie
Peer-supervision: unless you have a social work, psychology, or some other degree in a similar field, you should absolutely not be charging for it. You’re a _peer_. Did you not read your _Educated Heart_?
You also say the way off the Rescue Triangle is to not have your early needs met so you’re used to disappointment. The fact is, the OPPOSITE is true: a child with most of its needs fulfilled will have an easier time supporting itself later through life, and a child who doesn’t will have a _harder time_, and therefore will be more prone to the Rescue Triangle.
Also, one would hope an “experience peer” would be able to check their posts for errors better.
That’s a big misconception that you need a psychology degree or some other degree. I have read the educated heart. Does she say something about not charging for it? I don’t think so. I did have a discussion with her about the topic of needing to be a psychologist to do peer supervision but it really isn’t necessary – since we are massage therapist peers. I pay for peer supervision so I expect to be paid for my peer supervision services too. I am paid for in person peer supervision sessions and leading groups in person so why would I give my time away here?
You can start and participate in your own peer supervision group and I participate that way too and not pay for that but you first need to learn what is involved and learn to listen and follow the rule “no fixing, no saving, so setting each other straight” which most people have a difficult time doing. I have had some say “then what am I going to do in such a group?”.
I didn’t say anything about the way of the triangle is to not have your needs met…
I did say this…”The way off of the triangle is to start learning to feel the pain of abandonment and/or the pain of not getting one’s early needs met.”
When a persons early needs aren’t met ,they usually come across as being needy and act needy. Neediness doesn’t say anything about how much you actually need, but how much you need to grieve the fact that you didn’t get your needs met.
Thanks for checking though- I do have a few typos but then again it is a blog not a book.
Julie